Let’s Make It Clear

If my son were typical I would have tried raising him to be a good man. Thomas is more of a permanent 5-year-old whose future is not as bright as I would have liked. One thing is for sure, he will never consciously be mean to any girl or try to hurt one on purpose. Little boys of today will be men tomorrow and they should be taught how to treat women kindly and respectfully.

Once upon a time, I had my first kid. She was born flawless and everyone agreed she was as cute as can be… she still is but in those puberty times… not everything is going smoothly! Like most kids of her generation, she’d be using electronics constantly if we didn’t moderate the time she can access her phone or other devices. She is a lot into boys and falls in and out of love too easily. She feels like she’s ready to have a boyfriend but really she isn’t able to deal with boys so well. She was recently pressured by some of her peers when she had a boyfriend to kiss him on the lips because people were telling her to do so… she couldn’t and she ran away because she knew that was wrong.

Part of raising kids is difficult mostly in their teenage years you’d tell me and it is 100% true… but what happens when someone deliberately insults your kid for something not meant to hurt anyone? How are you expected to react if your kid gets names called at her that are only wrong and inappropriate… on TEAMS?

My little girl said: Two of my ex’s friends are calling me a «whore » mom! I took away her phone and I saw it too… I took screenshots and then I just saw red!

I tried to stop the ex boyfriend who was mad at her and I told him that he was speaking to her mom. I told him that Lilly told me she had sent a picture of him to one of his friends. He was mad, did not believe me and kept on swearing at her and saying « F U ». I tried letting them chat together so they could solve their issue but he was only mad she had a picture of him because they were not together anymore. When Lilly got tired of him being mad she said, I don’t want to talk to him anymore… I took the phone back and told the boy she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I told him that his best friends from other schools had insulted Lilly and that I would not let her talk to any of them anymore and to leave her alone because she would have access to her phone anymore because she was grounded.

I could have gone to his house down the street but I told my daughter’s teacher instead…school is going to take over from here. The worse part for me was explaining my little girl what « whore » meant… she didn’t know but when I told her, she was so sad and offended… she is nothing like that. She said many boys called girls « whores » at school but that she didn’t know it was that bad. She always dressed appropriately, she doesn’t post pictures that show her body. She wears baggy sweatshirts, jeans and her tuque… no she doesn’t sell her body for money!

Let me be clear, sending a picture of a person is not smart but it wasn’t meant to hurt still she shouldn’t have done it. It was a picture she took of him on the bus and he let her take it. What’s even worse is that I think she kept the picture only because she still liked him. I erased it and I let the boy know I had deleted all the pictures I had found in her conversations.

All the little girls have to be protected so they don’t fall for boys who think they can destroy their self esteem and reputation.

The Most Important Things

What is it? What will remain over a year after it all began? Will people be any kinder? Nicer? Will our world be a better a place after all?

There are many ways to see it. Mine is no better than yours. I just wish people had become more thoughtful, open and understanding. Wouldn’t that be amazing if we’d all cared more for others simply because we’ve been isolated for so long during the pandemic? That would be my dream.

When I think about what I’ve missed the most, it really is all about little things. Like being free of doing those trips to my hometown and seeing my herd, seeing people’s faces too and not having to guess their « behind the mask » mood. Just hanging out, being close to people, hugging those I care so much for whenever I feel like it. My last hugs aside from my husband’s and kids’, I kind of cheated… my brother last October and my mom when she came here for Christmas. My brother had seen no one in months and my mom has been missing us and the kids every day. I just had to, I hugged them. How I miss putting my head down on my mom’s shoulder like I used to do it in my childhood.

The just after pandemic is going to be overwhelming I think, almost like it won’t feel right to actually see people or be surrounded by them or being close to one another.

Again, it might just be me but I keep thinking about what I’d like to do and who I’d want to be with. It may sound funny but it’s simple,it’s all in the little things. What I long for is being with those I love just because that’s what matters the most in my life. So no, I won’t go out more or travel…life has remained the same at home for us. For one thing, people were actually pretty much on the same beat as us during that period of time. I won’t blame whoever wants to go back to the outer world again, it’s not something I am used to anyway.

One thing is for sure, I will go back to my people. They have been there even if we were physically apart a lot in the last year or so but seeing them, I will enjoy that and be completely happy. And that begins tomorrow with my mommy ❤️. Chalet, here we come in a social distancing reality but still, I am thrilled!

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You Broke Her Heart

Tonight, when my pumpkin sat down in the car she said: « Today was the worst day of my life ». Then she started crying and I could see tears rolling down on her cheeks and all she could say was: « I don’t know what happened, we talked last night and he said nice things to me and today he says I’m not his girlfriend anymore and that he doesn’t love me! »

I couldn’t help but feel her pain and I told her that love was difficult to manage especially when you are younger and barely know what you are doing. I told her she was beautiful and I said: « I am so sorry for you baby, I love you so much! »

I have to say I loved the way my husband took her in his arms and hugged her to comfort her because she wasn’t able to tell him her pain. He told her that boys are often stupid and I added: « Except for your daddy » and he reminded her how her sister also got her heart broken before she met the right one.

She went from all tears to all smiles but at times her eyes filled with tears and so did mine… she still found the strength to say: « Mom, I am going to be happy with what I have and work for for what I want, I saw that in Maryane’s bedroom. Now, my heart belongs to Robert Pattinson! » At least, she has a good spirit.

I love her from head to toe, but sadly I can’t prevent boys from making her cry.

Le courage d’être toi

Tu viens de me raconter ton histoire d’amour qui est sur le point de tomber en morceaux et cela me brise le cœur de te savoir aussi triste mon amie.

Hier, tu as rédigé un court message pour dire à celui que tu aimes (tu ne peux pas ignorer que tu l’aimes toujours) que tu ne voulais pas d’une union libertine, mais d’une relation stable et que tu ne poursuivrais pas ta route avec lui s’il s’attendait à ce que vous soyez un couple ouvert. Pour ça, je te félicite ma belle parce que tu t’es choisie, tu as dicté ta limite. Tu n’as rien fait de mal.

Voici qu’aujourd’hui, il dit «t’aimer plus fort que tu ne le sauras jamais » et puisqu’il t’aime, il ne veut pas que tu souffres, mais il préfère vivre « sa vie » de manière libre. Tu es brisée et je ne connais pas de fille humainement capable de vivre le couple ouvert, du moins, je n’en ai jamais rencontré une jusqu’ici. Tu mérites mieux que de vivre contre tes valeurs, tu es intègre et tu as préféré le lui dire. Malgré toute ta peine, tu as fait le bon choix pour toi.

Même s’il te faudra brailler, avoir du courage, vider encore et encore des boites de mouchoirs, boire du vin mais pas trop… enfin des fois, manger du chocolat en enragée ou jeûner parce que t’arrives pas à te mettre quoi que ce soit dans la bouche… tu vas te relever. Tu seras fragile oui, mais tu vas te sortir de là même si ton cœur est amoché.

Il y a dans ton karma de la joie, tu l’as toujours trouvée…même dans tes moments les plus dramatiques… tu es toujours capable d’en ressortir joyeuse… tu ris fort, tu blagues, tu cries, tu es intense, tu as un cœur d’or et de l’amour à donner à la tonne. Tu mérites aussi d’être aimée à ta juste valeur ma belle amie.

Tes amis sont là pour toi, au bout des doigts, dans tes oreilles et en ce moment, ils te serrent tous dans leurs bras, à commencer par moi. Je t’aime et je serai là si tu en as besoin! xxx

Maman

Ma lumière percera les nuages et viendra poindre à ta fenêtre chaque matin

Je te soufflerai les parfums des fleurs et les arômes du café

Tu feras des pas en avant et plusieurs en arrière et je te guiderai jusqu’à la fin

Je ne te quitterai pas que tu marches dans l’aube ou dans l’ombre

Je serai le vent qui caresse ton visage et je parcourrai doucement ta main

Il n’y aura pas que des jours gris mais la peine n’en sera pas moins sombre

Tu es mon cœur et sache que je garde le tien

Nul ne peut ignorer à quel point une mère peut aimer son enfant

Aux petits anges

Vous qui avez transpercé mon cœur et fendu mon âme, même si je ne vous ai pas connu, je vous ai porté durant ces derniers jours comme si vous aviez toujours fait partie de ma vie. Je n’aurai jamais les mots pour décrire mes émotions en apprenant que vos vies vous avaient été dérobées, j’ose à peine imaginer la peine et l’infini douleur de vos proches et surtout celle de votre maman. Veillez sur elle car elle en aura besoin tout au long de ce pénible chemin à parcourir.

« De l’autre côté des tombeaux, les yeux qu’on ferme voient encore »

René-François Sully Prudhomme Les Yeux

The Story of Now

When I think about the story I wrote back in my old days only a few things differ from what we’re all going through right now. When attempting writing stories which I am still doing now, there was that story I had projected in the year 2126.

Machines had long before, somewhere in the 2000, taken control over human kind. The very few people who had survived were living hidden and underground. None of them had names. They had to keep a distance among themselves so they wouldn’t get emotionally involved with one another. That would ensure population not growing too big. Each of them had a serial number instead of a name. My protagonist was a young male doctor whose sidekick was a young girl. Since she wasn’t afraid to go against the rules, she sometimes had to go back up to the surface to get vital supplies. That was the only way for them to survive and heal patients given the limited resources available underground.

Sometimes, I feel things so deep within my heart and soul that I scare myself.

L’imprévisible

De tous les scénarios apocalyptiques allant d’événements dignes de la science-fiction qui se passe parfois dans ma tête, en passant par les guerres entre pays pour les ressources et la pollution causant notre extinction à tous, je vous avoue que je tremble un peu en pensant à ce qui se passe réellement dans le monde en ce moment…

Je l’ai bien entendu tous les jours comme vous à la radio et à la télévision. Sur les réseaux sociaux, je n’en suis qu’à mes débuts mais si je me fie à l’ensemble des jokes plates et/ou commentaires peu édifiants que je lis, cela devait déjà se jaser en janvier alors que le virus s’attaquait à plusieurs gens en Chine. Ce qui m’a fait drôle cette semaine, c’est que je l’ai senti que quelque chose allait arriver. Déjà, plusieurs collègues avaient voyagé durant la relâche et je me disais sans leur en vouloir pour autant, qu’ils auraient mieux faits d’être en quarantaine.

Durant le moins productif après-midi libre de ma semaine, j’ai voulu rester à l’école pour corriger…dans la salle des profs, quel mauvais choix! Nous avions reçu un courriel au dîner suite à l’annonce de pandémie du Covid-19 la veille. Nous attendions des directives pour ceux ceux qui avaient voyagé,élèves comme membres du personnel et en fait, on voulait savoir ce qui adviendrait de nous tous. Au milieu des spéculations et en sachant que des écoles privées avaient déjà annoncé leur fermeture, je me suis entendue dire à voix haute : « Ils ne seront jamais capables de gérer ça… » Ma collègue d’univers social m’a répondue : « Tu penses? »

« Told you so… » quand la CS a envoyé le courriel aux parents et à tout le personnel… mais c’est le lendemain, ce vendredi 13 comme un film de thriller psychologique que les autorités gouvernementales ont mis cartes sur table: fermeture de tous les établissements scolaires de la maternelle à l’université.

On est lundi, jour 4 du confinement volontaire même si on n’a pas voyagé, et pour être bien honnête… j’aime pas ce que je lis ou entends. Ce que je vois c’est aussi trop de jugements sur ce qui n’a pas été fait et ce qui doit être fait… la vérité c’est que le monde l’a échappé. Si ça se propage c’est autant autant en raison du génie humain qui a créé l’aviation permettant les voyages à l’étranger qu’à cause de l’ignorance de notre espèce. Personne n’est infaillible… « Ben là, moi je l’aurai pas! » Ben, c’est parce que toi, tu vas peut-être juste le passer à d’autres qui sont vulnérables puis eux ne s’en sortiront pas! Sais-tu quoi, prends-ta face de confiné en photo aujourd’hui, puis refais une photo dans 3 semaines… on s’en reparlera! Quand t’auras perdu du monde que tu aimes, j’espère que tu vas feeler tout croche et te rappeler toutes les niaiseries et les risques que tu as pris. Conclusion: reste chez-vous!

Loving you…

Unconditionally, that’s how much I love you little boy. Even before you came I knew for sure I wanted to be a mom once more. Dad thought I should be a mom again and so we decided to go for it,why not? What could possibly go wrong? With the decision of having a baby most of the time the journey will be full of surprises but not all surprises are good. You came with a severe condition that no pregnancy test could predict: autism. So much questions I had had through your birth and all those sleepless days and nights you had. Also I was wondering why you couldn’t be around people, you didn’t feel good in a crowd at all. You cried more and louder than other babies. You wouldn’t drink milk formula unless I thickened it and you were always so sick. The hypothesis of autism kind of answered all my questions but it changed a lot of things for us.

I had to talk it over with your dad, he too got answers to why you were slower and behind on a lot of the normal kid steps. He asked me if I thought the doctor I saw was right and I said I thought she was…sadly.

Then, there were all the people we had to give the news to. Some of them were not ready for such sad news, some of them just couldn’t and still can’t understand your condition today. We often have to repeat, reinstate and explain…Sometimes it’s exhausting. And even though we love you and care for your well-being, there’s still fake empathy around us. Yes, there are people who don’t actually care although they try to act otherwise, they think we don’t see it that’s the worst part.

But loving you is stronger than I thought and somehow, dad and I radiate because of you and your sisters’ existence. Having a kid with severe autism has not destroyed us, it has brought us all together. Loving you is not a sin, loving you means you’re part of the family.

To the little guy who rocks my world, mom loves you from head to toe xxx

Family tattoo on my left ankle

Connection

When I left the canoe dock that day, I wished I had stayed… it was my last youth trip and it was time to go for my final teacher training.

One piece at a time. So I did my training after Moraine and I was already teaching the following spring. I went from total freedom out West to totally work focused once back home.

This year, I realized that although our family life is pretty complex, I had vanished purposely. Meeting Dan was a magical experience in my life and so was it when I became a step-mom. Our relationship got me moving closer to Montreal at the same period my father passed. I stayed around my mom to help with all the papers and phone calls, but I left my hometown and followed my heart (to those who could not believe I’d never leave my hometown, know that I would never trade that part of my life for anything.)

My life in Quebec City sort of ended there except for family and 1 close friend. I had other friends, I swear…my best ones were my cousins so they’ll always be there.

In the past weeks I have reconnected with both friends and colleagues I hung out with and I know that they know why I had to stay away from social networks. Some things in life take time to heal…maybe too much time when it comes to me. I do hope you all forgive me for I am truly very sorry.

To my soulmates, to my cousins, to my unique and strong « roomie from Moraine » sharing the bunk bed with you was just pure fun, to my « 5 à 7 » girlfriends down at old Liquor Store ( R.I.P. What a blast we had there!!!),to my hairdressing attempts with you girls in my apartment kitchen, to my partner in crime (back in the old days) when I needed a drag during a school day… you were never forgotten. I just needed to go away.

I was never sick, never got in trouble but it’s true, I never stayed in touch. When I found Dan and his daughter, I was grieving my own dad. Soon after, I went through losing a child, to finally having my own princess: Lilly. For the spelling, please ask Dan…I got the choice of name and he…made sure our daughter would have to spell her name ALL THE TIME!

And if now I am scared…but I am all the time no worries! What if I’d never got to say personal stuff to people I’ve always cared about?

I don’t want that. So, if I reached out to hear from you, that’s only because you mean to me.

The once suspiciously too happy girl

L xxx